A little while ago, I had this strange dream where I could feel what it was, that made a music note a note. And its this foggy and unsatisfying dream because I can never really get down to what it means to be each particular note, but I could really feel it, and it was so peaceful. But if you asked me to explain it, (as you can see...), I just don't have the right words. It was just, beautiful, and I felt so intimately connected to whatever this essence was, I felt known by just being aware of this thing, or feeling, or essence of what ever was behind or beyond these notes. But in truth, it was all a bit lonely because i couldn't share this experience with anyone.
While most people have cable, I have bunny ears, and therefore by default, I chose was forced to watch 'So you think you can Dance' one night while I did some pre-school paperwork. There was this one dance though, that kept pulling me away from my thrilling OSAP form because this couple was just so good at expressing themselves. I can remember thinking that it was amazing because they weren't using words, but somehow they articulated these big feelings. So, I just sat there glued, completely distracted, totally connected and moved by these two dancers simply because I think they were sharing a bit of their souls with me, and millions of other lucky cable TV viewers.
I love watching people living out their passion. And beyond entertainment value, I think watching someone in the midst of expressing themselves through their passion is like watching little holy moments because when we express ourselves in the unique ways we are each wired to do so, we are maybe revealing our most authentic selves to each other. I can remember when I was younger, I could never sing in front of people, because I knew when I sang, it was just too intimate. I just couldn't fake what came out, and that was terrifying to share. So, I’d sneak into our piano room, shut these big sliding wooden doors, sit at the piano, and I’d just belt it out, sometimes being moved to tears just from the release I would get from being able to bust out of myself. I think singing, one of my own passions, really helped me get to know myself better, I've learned a lot about myself by just singing and creating music. Revealing myself through music is maybe the most intimate space I have ever been in with myself and others. Its in that space where I can really express the things I just can't articulate on my own, with words. Words are just not enough sometimes. And there is a certain release and then satisfaction of knowing that I can bust out whatever is inside of me.
And its through sharing the creations that bust out of us, whether that be a sculpture, a painting, a dance, a great sports game or a song that becomes so powerful, because we get to understand a part of someone's essence, or maybe we just get to feel it, empathize with it. I think as a bystander in these moments, to feel someone's core and maybe you don't even have to feel all of it, or understand it all, or be able to articulate it, but to really feel someone's vulnerabilities and soul, makes our own souls feel more human, more acceptable. Because maybe we've been there too or felt that loss or hurt, felt that much love or joy. Maybe we feel such big things when we live out our passions, or are moved when we see someone express themselves through their passion because to be moved, to feel more human means to be see the truest version of ourselves in each other, in our selves. We are all connected because we were all made out of the same stuff, the same raw existence and love that is deep within our own creator. To be and to see, who we were intended to become is a holy moment because, that is when we see ourselves as the real creations of God, rooted in Christ, without all the bells and whistles. And just like when you look at a piece of art and see the core of the one who created it, I think we see glimpses of our own creator when we look at ourselves, especially in those moments when we are expressing ourselves whole heartedly. And maybe we are moved to be more ourselves when we watch someone else do it first, we get that little extra boost of courage, maybe we feel at home, watching someone else in their their mess and vulnerabilities, in their rawness, because that is essentially Christ, seeping through what ever is bursting out.
We are his best pieces of art, we are extensions of his core, his essence, his soul. And maybe God felt such a BIG love that went way beyond the best word choices or vocabulary. Maybe in the beginning all there was was feeling, maybe that was the language, maybe all there was, was just existence in its purest form. There was no need to explain using words because everything was just as it is, pure, and holy. Maybe all God could do was bust out of himself and create. Because isn't t the core of God, love? And isn't love in it's purest of forms relational? Maybe God couldn't not keep it in, because love exists when it becomes something that is shared, or given among people?
So maybe passions are birthed from this desire and need to express ourselves and our need to create because we have that same bigness of love, or maybe that same pure existence within us that has to burst out of us too. But in trying to express ourselves, if words are not enough on their own, or simply feeling is not enough either, maybe there is something in this creation part, in the sharing part that comes along with creating, that is the real meat and potatoes in expressing ourself. Where we feel most human, where we feel most expressed, understood and connected to God. Because if God is a creator by nature, i'm assuming we are made to do that too. It might possibly be too that we need to create to see our internal thinking, externally of ourselves, to give us some perspective? Maybe we are wired to express ourselves with a need to create and share what makes us us, because when we share ourselves, or the extensions of ourselves (art, music, dance etc) we share Christ. Feeling something alone, even something as silly as a dream, can be so frustrating because its way more satisfying to share our thoughts and experiences with others. And maybe that’s why God had to bust out of himself, because he just couldn't keep himself to himself. And maybe what ever is in us, which is in Christ isn't lived to its full potential unless it can be expressed among people.
I often think the most beautiful and most moving thing in the world would have been to watch God, amidst his passion, creating us. It would probably have been too much for us to handle though, too beautiful, to pure maybe. Most certainly it would have left us speechless.
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